harvester of sorrow

hey, no joy in mudville today, or yesterday for that matter.

i am headed out of town tomorrow, for a funeral. found out saturday afternoon. it was not a surprise, but that does not ease the pain any. especially when family is so far away.

death has once again claimed another 'victim'. death was nothing more than a word to me until the summer of '96. i was 22-1/2. death had no meaning to me. no emotions were attached. i could have called it anything, like antartica. it was a place i had heard about and read about. i knew no one who had been there. i have never been there. i heard it sucks, but never really gave it much thought.

then my grandma passed away. my world had changed. my eyes had been 'ripped' open. a new and terrifying reality had openned up. since then, death has 'caught up' to those around me. since then, i do think it is accurate to say that i have experienced more death than the 'average' person, who is not exposed to war, famine, terrorism, large scale natural disasters, etc, etc. a good friend from my college, who left behind a wife and beautiful 3 year old daughter. a friend's best friend. my sister, and her 7 month old son. a college roommate, who also happenned to be my best friend growing up. my grandfather. my best friend's father. a good friend and co-worker. now, my mom's sister. these are 'just' the people who have passed that i was close with.

yes, all this pain does suck. by reading this, you may even feel depressed, and feel an urge to quit reading. i admit, my head has been a wreck ever since i found out last night. i almost even bought a pack of smokes today. i FINALLY have quit, cold turkey. i have only been a non smoker since thurs, july 8th. today was my roughest day. i got thru it though! the help of my sister above and a friend i have just recently met were both huge today. this could be the topic of another blog (my quitting cold turkey), so i digress.

so, what is my point to all of this? it has definitely helped me grow as a person. to be more 'in tune' with life. to enjoy the good times, do not take them for granted. do NOT take your loved ones for granted. as much as death sucks, embrace the birth of a child 10 times more, with love and passion. birth of life IS a miracle. you NEVER know what the next day will bring. it could be the average blah day. usually it is. but it could be the worst day of your life. it could be the best day of your life. it can even have aspects of both. life is the balance of both good and bad. i really believe the two are equal in amounts. everyone makes a much bigger deal of the bad. the bad comprises the majority of the news we watch, and the newspapers we read. the good is out there though. seek it, embrace it, adjust your priorities accordingly. death hurts because of love. despite this, love is worth it! i can appreciate the teachings of buddha more than ever. i do want to learn more about buddhism. from what little i know of it, which is mostly due to a recent national geographic article, it is RIGHT ON. that one article meant more to me than all the years having been educated in Catholic schools, and having attended countless Catholic masses.

ok. now i have vented. now, i must hit the sack. to all those who have passed away, I LOVE YOU! to all who have lost loved ones: i can relate to your pain, and hope that you can discover peace through the pain, and can grow as a person, after dealing with life's toughest aspect. it is easier said then done. the important thing is to never forget.